Billie's Ongoing Saga

Monday, I drove up to Ohio to go to a client site to demonstrate a new product that we have.  The testing went reasonably well.  Yippee!!!  From here, I am heading up to Canada to spend a week with my family. 

Happy Thanksgiving to all of my American friends.

Why does a cockroach get interested in hanging out in a car?  Last week sometime, I saw a cockroach running around the instrumentation on my dash.  I was so surprised that he dashed off before I could form a cohesive thought.  Great!  On Saturday, I got into my car after the mechanic was done with the car and there it was sitting as pretty as you please next to the rolled down window.  I flicked it out the window.  Good riddance!

As I was driving into the gym parking lot, I saw two deer walking along the edge of the woods with not a care in the world.

This morning, a squirrel was running across the lawn with an oak leaf in its mouth.  He then found a handy spot to start digging.  Is he really doing to bury the entire leaf or did it have some acorns attached that he wanted?

Last night, Piero wanted to know what I wanted for Christmas.  I looked to Eduardo.  He commented how incredibly hard it was to buy for me because I want nothing.  He asked me again.  I pondered that question some more.  He then looked at me with a big smile on his face and said, " I know what you want.  You want peace and quiet."  He nailed that one on the head!  I grabbed him and gave him a big hug and laughed with him.

PS. Sorry I haven't been writing. I haven't been in the mood much.

Piero went out as a dinosaur and Kylie went out as a princess.  We have some really good pictures of Piero pretending to eat different things - like his Papa.  We headed out to the neighbourhood and discovered almost no one was giving out candy.  Wow! So we ended up going back into my old neighbourhood again this year.  It took us an hour to get through 3 courts and the kids ended up with a big bucket of candy.  Yes they could have went longer and yes the kids probably would have wanted more candy but we put an end to it at 8:15 without too many complaints.

After the kids and I went to bed, Eduardo and I watched "The Machinist".  I thought it was going to be a scarier movie than it was.  It was very interesting but definitely a thinking kind of movie. 

Now the kids are trying to get as much candy as possible out of us!

After Piero was disrespectful to me, I said that I expected respect from him.  His response was "You don't deserve any."  That is a direct quote.  Is that something a 7-year-old comes up with or is that something he learns from other family members that can't seem to show respect towards me?

What do I do with that little boy?  He is continually disrespectful towards me.  I would like to just ignore him and do the bare minimum.

I have had a sore throat for the last week+.  It came with no other symptoms that indicated I had a cold.  So I went to the doctor on Friday.  I was diagnosed with Hand, Foot and Mouth disease.   I'm like WTF?  As far as we know, nobody else around me has it.  We have no idea why I got it.  It is a viral infection so there is nothing you can do for it.  It takes 10 days to run its course and on the 10th day (yesterday) it was gone as promised.   But isn't that weird?

I was also diagnosed as probably having IBS - Irritable Bowel Syndrome.  There is nothing that the doctor can do for me.  She can give me anti-spasmodic medicine but the pain doesn't last long enough for them to have any effect.  I need to be in pain for more than a couple of hours in order for them to work.   I can work on changing my diet (did that!) and reducing my stress.  Ummm... hmmm.... that will be easier said than done.  Interestingly enough, my last two bouts occurred on a Friday.  I guess I must not like weekends very much. 

I was talking on the phone to Mom the other night and we mentioned my upcoming birthday.  I mentioned I was turning 41.  She corrected me and told me that no... I was turning 42.  After some conversation it became apparent that I was indeed turning 42 on my next birthday.  Wow!  I actually felt sorrow that I had just lost a year of my life. For me 42 is a fairly significant year.  It was the year that would signify the end of my childbearing years.  If I didn't have a child by 42, I wouldn't have a child.  I am not 100% sure how I feel about this as I have been the fence about children for most of my adult life.  I felt some loss to be sure but not so much loss that it made it clear that I had missed out on something that I desperately wanted.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

Last night Kylie was brushing her teeth. I am not sure exactly what happened but I think she was sitting on the edge of the toilet to put the toothpaste on her toothbrush. Unfortunately, the toilet lid was up and she fell back into the toilet. All I heard was the increasing volume of her crying from the bathroom while I ran there to find out what happened. The poor little girl was standing in the bathroom crying "Mommy, Mommy" dripping toilet water on the floor and Piero was telling me that she had fallen into the toilet. Unfortunately, someone had gone to the bathroom in the toilet and didn't flush it so there was a bit of an ick factor involved.  But when it came right down to it - ick factor aside, it was so incredibly funny that it was all I could do not to laugh at what was clearly a tragedy for her.

Piero and I don't have much one-on-one time together.  This weekend, I decided to have a date with Piero.  We did run an errand together but after that we went to the library and picked out some movies and books.  We read a book together in the library.  After that, we walked to Noodles and Co. and ordered some Mac & Cheese and ate out on the balcony.  It was a lovely day for eating outside.  I really enjoyed myself and Piero was really happy that we went on our date.

During our date, I tried to broach the topic of his behaviour when he gets upset.  He takes after Eduardo so much and I just don't think those are characteristics he wants to end up with later in life.  I failed miserably but he gave me an opportunity later on when he lamented the fact that he can't be a super hero because he doesn't have a super power.  I was able to talk to him about real-life heros that are just ordinary people with no special powers.  We talked about the kinds of things heros can do and we talked about characteristics that heros can have.  He was really excited to find out that ordinary people can be heros.  I only hope that I can build on this so Piero can focus on being a 'hero' and cultivate thoughtfulness, kindness and love - the attributes he thought that heros had.

I have some heros in my life and its a shame that I never mentioned to them that they were my hero.  I will be changing that in the near future.

• raises their voice when they are passionate or frustrated about something.  This does not mean I am angry or yelling.

• loves hugs.  I willingly give hugs to my husband, kids and friends.  Unless I have just stuck my hands in ground hamburger to make meatloaf, you can disturb me at any time for that hug.  Ok... if you wake me up for that hug... not so friendly.  Asking for a hug is not considered an inconvenience for me

• can be stubborn.  If I think I am right,  almost nothing can change my mind.  You better have ironclad proof of your position if you see me dig in.  But pick a topic I don't have a strong opinion on (there are many) and you will find me open to whatever information you give me.

• has limits to their patience.  I can have the patience of Job - sometimes.  Other times... just forget it.... you will get on my last nerve almost immediately if you are being a pain.  I work harder at being patient with the kids but sometimes - that reservoir is simply used up.
  

• does not like to repeat herself.  If I have to tell you multiple times to do something... my voice is going to be raise an octave or 6 and if you are under the age of 8 - watch out! There will be consequences.

• easily smiles and laughs.  I like to be joyful.  I find humour in all sorts of things.

• thinks WAY too much.  I go over (and over and over) events looking for meaning.   I think about things said to me or by me.  I look for connections in events.  I ponder the state of my finances, personal relationships, state of the world and just about every other serious subject while my hands are doing something else. 
  

• worries too much.  That molehill IS a mountain and if it isn't then you clearly haven't thought about the situation hard enough.

• has a cutting tongue.  I have very dark British humour and it often comes out in the cutting/sarcastic things I say.  I don't mean to hurt but I know that I sometimes do.  If I am angry or hurt this wonderful character trait is very present and I can say things that I know are going to be hurtful.
  

• is generous in time and spirit.  I might not be generous with my money, but I can be generous with my time and my help. 
  

• is fiscally responsible.  My ex said that I was the "Dragon of the Penny" because I knew how to hoard my money.  I am a saver. 
  

• is loving.  I kiss booboos and listen when you want to talk.  If I see you upset, I will ask to see if you are alright.

• is responsible.  If I say I am going to do something - it will get done unless I forget

• is occasionally forgetful.  If I have a lot on my mind, my memory is the first thing to go.

• forgives over and over again.  You will have many chances to make mistakes with me.  I am willing to forgive you 70 times 7 times.  But when I figure out that you weren't really all that sincere or have been trying to take advantage of me?  Your chances are over and you will never get another.

• cries easily.  I cry at sad movies, sad shows and even sad books. I have a tender heart and I am not embarrassed at all by it.
  

And that is what someone like me is like.

I called Dad last night to get some word on grandma and discovered that death is not necessarily as imminent as he first thought.  Even though she is getting no nourishment (no feeding tube and she is not able to eat normally), the doctor said she could live for another 6 months.  I had no idea that you could live that long without food.  I can only pray that she isn't suffering in this situation.

On Sunday, I received a phone call from my dad.  My grandmother is dying.  She wasn't expected to live through the weekend so I presume that I will be getting a call any day saying that she has died and the time/date of the funeral.  Unlike my grandfather, I was very, very close to my grandmother.  I cried off and on all day yesterday as I remembered her.  She was a class act and a wonderful person.  I am going to miss her terribly.

She taught me to sew.
She inspired me to learn rug hooking.
She made the most wonderful Easter eggs with handmade frosted flowers that were truly works of art.
She made me sweaters.
She made me a quilt for my first Christmas.  I was born less than 1 month before.
I remember her jellied hocks and salad plates. 
I remember the assortment of cheeses at the table and going shopping with Grandma and being allowed to pick out the cheeses I wanted to try.
She collected stamps and as a result I did too for a number of years.
I remember going to a bell-ringing concert that my grandmother was in.  I was so proud of her.
I remember going on boat trips with my grandparents in a house boat that my grandfather made.
I remember eating Kawartha Dairy ice cream at the cottage with them.
She made bread and it was absolutely delicious.  I can remember the warm rolls with melted butter on them.
She made cakes for birthdays that had hidden money in them.
I remember the gardens that my grandmother loved to tend with their brilliant flowers.
She loved to watch birds and I still have a bit of that in me.
She had wonderful handwriting.

She was a wonderful grandmother.  The kind of grandmother you think about when you think about the kind of grandmother you would want to have.   I was lucky to have known her until I was 40.  The world was lucky to have had her.

The price of gas has dropped to under 2.40$.  Unless I call my insurance company to tell them that my vehicle is for recreational purposes, it is now more expensive to bus to work on gas/cost of ride comparison.  I can't call my insurance company to tell them that because I need to keep my mileage under 6,000 miles annually and I can't guarantee that if I am driving the kids on a regular basis.

If I was to drop my insurance to recreational then gas prices would need to be about 2.10$ or lower to make it cheaper but without that advantage I can only look at gas prices.   If prices go back up, I will be back on the bus.  I didn't really mind it although it would have been nice if I wasn't getting up at 5:30 in the morning.

On June 19th, Piero had his graduation ceremony.  It just so happened that Eduardo was off work due to weather and I was not at work yet because I had not felt well in the morning.  Eduardo told me he was going to his graduation ceremony.  I asked if I could go along and I would just go to work a little later than planned.  Eduardo said something to the effect of "No thank, you".  In other words, I wasn't welcome.  When I said that it wasn't very fair to ask me to do the work of parenthood (I had driven him to school on rare occasions up to this point and did LOTS of homework with him) but not allow me to get involved in the perks of parenthood, he told me something about changing that in the future.

In June, right after that graduation ceremony I was asked to drive the kids to their babysitter on any day that Kelly worked.  I said that I would do it for the summer only but I didn't want to do it in the fall.  Taking Piero to school means I don't get to work until 9am.  1 to 2 hours later than I normally do.  I made this condition clear up front.  2 weeks before school started, Eduardo got upset when I reiterated that I wasn't planning on continuing because Kelly still hadn't managed to make alternate arrangements.  So about once a week, I am asked to drive Kylie to the babysitting and Piero to school.  I do it because it is easier to just agree to do it.  I gather that Kelly has managed to find someone else doing it the other days.

And now you are wondering what these two things have to do with each other right?

Last night, I was told that there was some Open House at the school that he needed to attend. I can't remember if I asked if I could come or if I asked him if he wanted me to go.  Either way, I was told I wasn't welcome.  He had no idea what the Open House was for so I looked it up today.  It is a "Meet the Teacher".  So I am enough of a parent to drive Piero to school and help with his homework but I am not quite enough of a parent to attend any kind of event that would require acknowledgment of my position in his life.  This would bother me more if it wasn't just a reinforcement of what I already knew about my position in the family.

A few days ago, I noticed that my tomato plant was losing all of its leaves (as it eaten) and one of the tomatoes looked eaten.  I assumed birds were at it.  Last night, I went out to tomato plants to water them and noticed a nice FAT tomato worm with what looked like little egg sacs all over his body.  The stripped plant is now explained.  What is still a puzzle to me is how the heck it got there.  My balcony is 4 storeys off the ground!

I had to take a business trip to Mexico.  On the first leg of the flight to Atlanta, I suddenly got it into my head that I absolutely had to call my Mom and tell her that I was going to Mexico for business and if an emergency occurred, she could reach me at my work number.  It was unlikely that my personal cell phone would work in Mexico (and it didn't).  I called her just before I went back into the air.  I have never told my Mom when I have went on business that I was going and how she could reach me.  Not even when I went to Venezuela many years ago.  Not 15 minutes later, she received a phone call saying that her father had died.  She called me the next day to tell me that Grandpa had died.  I tried to change my return flight to Canada and get a return trip to home later in the week.  Delta wanted an insane amount of money for a 600-700 mile flight.  They wanted as much money for that trip as I paid for my round-trip flight to Mexico City.  Dave told me not to pay it so I didn't make it to the funeral.

But isn't it weird that I felt compelled to talk to my Mom?

They played this amazing video at our church for the children's time.  It is worth watching if you believe in God and maybe even if you don't.

http://www.godanddog.org/

Here are the lyrics but the video really brings the lyrics to life.

I look up and I see God, I look down and see my dog.
simple spelling G O D, same word backwards D O G.
They would stay with me all day.  I'm the one who walks away.
But Both of them just wait for me, and dance at my return with glee.
Both love me no matter what - divine God and canine mutt.
I take it hard each time I fail, but God forgives, dog wags his tail.
God thought up and made the dog, dog refleckts a part of God.
I've seen love from both sides now, its everything, AMEN, bow wow.
I look up and I see God, I look down and see my dog.
And in my human frailty, .....I can't match their love for me

I had thought that going to work by bus would also increase my walking.  The metro is about 1.5 miles from my house.  After having walked home from the metro one night and home from the gym one night (took bus directly to gym), it has become clear to me that I won't be doing much walking.  I take my laptop home with me every night and my shoulder can not take the weight of that laptop for very long.  I am in quite bad pain now from my shoulders.

The good news is that I won't have to do much walking.  Eduardo has said that he will pick me up after work.  Originally, he said that he would pick me up from the Metro station but I suggested to him that I take the bus straight to the gym and he can pick me up from there.  He can either head to the gym and get in his workout with me or just simply pick me up when I am done.  This actually uses less gas because the gym is closer and is a trip he would already be taking (at least most nights) rather than going out of his way to pick me up at the metro.

Do you suppose that Emily (my car) is getting lonely sitting in the parking lot?

Every day I am doing something even if it is as little as doing the dishes and watering the tomato plants.  And you think to yourself... Who cares about her chores?  It is not so much the chores as when I decide to do them that I thought might be worth blogging about.  I discovered in my last marriage that I do not like doing chores when someone else is sitting around on their duff doing not much of anything.  Nothing has changed in the intervening years and doing chores while someone else does nothing leads to a good case of resentment.  Sadly, the sitting around not doing anything seems to be unchanging despite a couple of attempts to encourage togetherness so for the last couple of months (or longer), I have been doing chores while Eduardo is out.  You might think this leads to not getting much done but you would be surprised at how often he is out.  He visits Kelly's house like clockwork twice a week so I get two entire evenings to myself - sometimes more.  As well, I usually get an hour or so on Sunday when he takes the kids back to Kelly.  I even take advantage of the weekend early mornings and cook while everyone is asleep.  So am I nuts for not doing my chores unless he gone?  I do things like dishes and cooking for myself and smaller things like that but special chores are generally scheduled on nights he is gone.  I figure out what special chore I am going to do while he is out and the next time he is out, I do it.  On Tuesday, I took down the shower curtain and scrubbed it with vinegar to get rid of the dirt and mold.  Tonight is the bathroom and tomorrow will be?  I haven't decided yet.  I might dust the entire house.  We won't discuss how long it has been since anyone did that.   After doing chores for an hour or so, I sit my butt down on the couch and reward myself with TV and handwork.  I just find this so much easier than grumbling to myself while I work my tail off and he well... doesn't.

I have started taking the bus.  I crunched some numbers and decided that it was cheaper to take the bus than to drive.  This was just including the price of gas.  But on top of gas, you also need to consider the decrease in insurance and the wear and tear on your car.  For me, this isn't really all that inconvenient.  It takes about an hour rather than 30 minutes.   I think what I like about it best of all is that there is considerably less opportunity to smack up my car.  I have had some close calls recently on the road so it is nice to abdicate the responsibility of the vehicle to the bus driver.

A while back I was talking to a loved one.  Specifically I was trying to figure out if the other person was truly interested in trying to repair the relationship.  If not, then he was certainly free to walk away.  In fact, please walk away.  I said to the loved one that I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who wasn't enthusiastic about the relationship.  His response was, "How can anyone be enthusiastic about a relationship with someone like you?"  I am positive that is a direct quote.  The statement didn't hurt my feelings that I remember although I suppose it should have.  That lack of hurt was probably indicative of the health of the relationship.  For some strange reason, this has come back to bug me and I have spent considerable time thinking about it.  In fact, it has really been bugging me over the last couple of weeks and particularly over the last couple of days.  I think it started bugging me when my pastor told me that this statement was meant to be hurtful.   In other words, my loved one was trying to wound me by saying this.  I spoke to my Mom about this the other day and she was left quite shocked.  I could hear the shock over the phone.  So the question of what "someone like you" is like has really preyed on my mind.  How bad am I that nobody would like to be in a relationship with "someone like me".  So I turned to an expert in "someone like me".  I have known my ex for 1/2 of my adult life.  We were married for 1/3 of my adult like.  With any luck, someone like this knows me... the real me.  So I asked him what "someone like you" was like.  This is his response:

All in all... I didn't think that sounded so bad.  I honestly don't think my ex would ever say something like that.  I think he could imagine someone being enthusiastic about being in a relationship with "someone like you".  I shall consider this more and will likely end up with a post about what I think about "someone like me"

Today is my 4 year anniversary.  I started the blog being very sad after a very hard break-up with "The One".  I thought over the years that the blog was taking a happier tone.  It has been fun to talk about the kids and some of the fun stuff we have done and their kid accomplishments.  And then I started reading selected blog entries.  Just ones that caught my eye for whatever reason.  And I realized that in fact, a fair number of blog entries are actually not too much different than when I first started.   More restrained but I can see the sadness woven into them.

As I look into the crystal ball,  I see more sadness ahead of me. I don't know what the year will hold for blogging but I suspect it will hold a lot of introspective entries as I sort through what is going on in my head.  This upcoming blogging year is not likely to be a happy year.  I hope you hang in there with me.

We have been spending hours at the pool the last couple of weeks.  I feel like we need to savour these last few days before the pool closes.  Piero is swimming like a fish.  Kylie finally let me dunk her under water this last weekend without howls of protest.  I keep telling her that Big Girl classes will require her to put her head under water.  She is really psyched about becoming a big girl and tells me that Kelly is sad that her little girl is turning into a big girl.  I am a little happier actually that she is getting to be a bigger girl.  She is so much more capable of doing things that we can enjoy together.

I am going to miss going to the pool.  It was an easy way to entertain the kids and spend an afternoon together.  The kids were almost constantly in the water but there was plenty of opportunity for an adult to sit under an umbrella and read a book too.  I even got a little bit of a tan despite using 50SPF sun block.  Basically, my arms and upper back are brown but even my legs are a bit less white.  You can see the line of the my bathing suit.  Eduardo laughed at me when I told him I had gotten a tan.  Ok... so its not much in comparison to how black he and the kids have gotten but I am less pasty white.

I am going to miss this summer.  I have lots of good memories of our time together at the pool.

Eduardo thinks that calling me to tell me that he is heading off somewhere for the evening/afternoon or whatever is not required.  The mere fact that I ask him to keep me informed of his whereabouts indicates that I am a control freak.  In other words, if I would normally expect you to be at home on Monday night after work and you decide to head out to see the kids until 8 or 9pm, then I would like a quick phone call telling me that you are heading out to see the kids and you won't be home until late.  When I get home on Monday I don't want to be wondering why you still aren't home 2 or 3 hours after you normally arrive.  I don't want to be asking: Dead? or Alive?  I am NOT referring to getting a blow-by-blow of your day.  No need to call me if you are 5 minutes late due to traffic.  I don't care if you stopped in at Home Depot to pick up something for work and are 30 minutes later than normal.  I do care if you are going to be gone hours longer than anticipated and would like some notification.

Of course, the irritating thing for me is that if I run an errand that took significantly longer than I expected, he is calling me to find out why I am not where I usually am.  If I am controlling when I request to know where he is... it is no less controlling of him when he does the same thing.  Either it is controlling and neither of us do it or it is a courtesy and both of us should perform the courtesy.

So readers... control or courtesy?